Out of the fore, but still in the frying pan

That's what I realized today! That I moved here to escape some of the trials of my and I realized that they followed me. I might have escaped some of the immediate dangers, but the longer term ones hid in a box and traveled the 1300 miles with me. I'm still broke, I'm still lonely, I'm still angry! And there's nothing I can do about it! And basing my decisions on the event doesn't have any sway at all over my current situation. What do I do now? I know my supposed limitless welcome is wearing out. I know that I'm starting to be a burden and I hate that! I have contemplated the idea of sending my son to stay with his dad for a little while, but it is absolutely out of the question. For starters, it would kill me for him to leave. Then there's the fact that his father is only partially present, and only at his own convenience. He is irresponsible in paying his child support, and I don't know where things stand with his girlfriend and her two kids. They may or may not be living with him. Either way, it's not a good environment for MY son!! What to do now????

An intro...the appearence of the event

Something happened recently in my life that will shape the rest of my future. A tragedy? A comedy? I'm not really sure which my story will be yet, but for now, I write.
Every decision I make in my life from this point on will center on this one event. Every change I make, every turn I take on the journey will be based on the single fact of avoiding, or bringing myself back to this milestone. It sounds crazy doesn't it? It does because, in fact, it probably is, but I'm okay with that. I have embraced my insanity in my new existence.
All that being said, allow me to tell you about myself. My name is -----, but you can call me Jade. There's very little to reason to that, and I won't explain. If this bothers you, I don't apologize. I am recently divorced, but no, that's not the event in question. I moved to Virginia two weeks ago and am living with my best friend-------"Laura", her husband ---- "John" and their two kids -----"Alex" and ----- "Ernest". This creates some interesting scenarios from time to time. My best friend is beautiful and her husband isn't too bad himself. They are an adorable couple. They bicker...a LOT, but there is love there! Real love, genuine love. I'm happy for them, but it's hard for me. That sounds horrible and selfish, because it it.

Since my divorce, I find myself feeling lonely. I see the women in my life knit picking their husbands to death and I wonder if I did the same. Did I take every little character flaw about him and grind and grind? I see that in "Laura". I see it in the way she can completely miss the fact that her husband just bathed the boys, brushed their teeth, prayed with them, and tucked them in, and yet she finds that he forgot to give them their medicine! And she drills this oversight to death! Yells at him over and over again about the one exception to the basic rule that he does everything for them.

I see it in my sister who will bitch endlessly about the fact that her husband can't be serious about anything to save his life, and yet she misses the fact that every silly remark is just because he is dying to see her smile. She hates the fact he is gone all the time, but misses the fact that most of the time it is because he is working one odd job or another to make sure they have everything they need to support her and their four girls.

I see it in women in the store, at the movies, at restaurants. See them chewing out their significant others about something petty, something trivial, something not worth losing their marriage over! And yet they nag, they gripe, they yell, they use the silent treatment. I know it sounds like I am down on women, but the truth is that actually, I almost entirely despise men! For the most part, I think men are disloyal, womanize, liars who let their little heads do ALL of their thinking and they couldn't make a selfless decision to save their lives. They put their own needs, their own desires in front of everyone else's. BUT!!!!! There are those men, like "John" that restore my faith in their gender. They give me hope that men can't be stereotyped, that men, like women are individualists and even that some of them are actually capable of love.
So you see, I'm not sexist, I distrust everyone the same. :\ I never said the truth was going to be pretty.
I guess the question is, will I ever get remarried? Ever be in a relationship at all again? Well, I guess that comes back to the big event and how it influences my decisions about love and marriage and brutally ever after. That question remains to be answer. Hell, that question remains to be asked! I DO know I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life....unless that time is much shorter than originally believed.
Stay tuned my non-existent friends! I need to believe that you're all there! I need to be fooled into thinking I have some kind of link to the outside world! Be my life line imaginary friend,

please . . .